Starting with remembering my “Why.”

I sit outside, barely able to see my screen. Not only is the sun bright, my computer screen looks like a child has been investigating every inch of it. It’s warm, I feel good. The last two weeks I have felt as close to “normal” as I can remember. You see, apparently, I have some diagnosably significant mental health challenges. I share this early on, not to seek sympathy or establish a specific narrative or audience, rather to be honest with myself and you about how I move through the world. If I can aspire to anything with my writing, it will be to be blatantly honest, transparent, and, well, hopefully thoughtful.

I have been reflecting on what makes me, me. I suppose the new year and a new chapter can spark this self-evaluation. It’s odd, as I sit with more presence and clarity, I am struck by the wisdom and insights I’ve had in the past but forgotten to follow. Why is it so hard to follow your own advice? To trust what you know to be true? To filter out the external noise and tune into your internal radio. I am not sure about you, but mine is busy, often hypocritical and anxious, but never static. It’s loud and mostly always on. To move through the world, I have found comfort in listening to ear-damagingly loud music or endless audio narratives (podcasts and audiobooks mostly). This stimulation not only helps me feel calm but allows me to understand the waterfall of internal dialogue in a more approachable way. It’s ironic that I am writing a blog post, particularly when I often tell people I can’t read. This is not entirely true, but I’ll probably finish more marathons than books in my life, and I don’t consider myself a runner. Similarly, I wouldn’t consider myself a writer even though I’ve been working on something that might resemble a book for some time. Nor would I consider myself a poet, despite writing hundreds of poems over the past few years. You see, I struggle with labels. They feel constraining and often shallow. Perhaps this is why I struggle with my own personal identity and my place in this universe.

Today I remembered some things that I know to be true; That make me feel good; That are energy-giving;

I like to cold call friends.I want to have the ability to be in the sun whenever I chooseI like to be competitiveI am passionate about doing hard things with friendsI aspire to be in a position where I can buy groceries for more than just myself without doing mental gymnastics.I like being decisive, taking action, and acting on inspiration when it reveals itself.

There are more things I like, of course, but that’s not the point of this. My point is that I want to take steps, no matter how small, toward a life that feels free, full of love, and community. Yeah, sappy, but true. Persistence toward this ideal feels hard, and doing it alone, without you, is out of the question.

In the same way, if you follow Rick Rubin’s perspective - art is meant to be shared, and everyone is an artist even if they don’t see it that way. So, we have to start somewhere, and who knows where this will end. I suppose if you feel something reading this, it is a real success, and if you can engage with some of the ideas in a meaningful way, that’s a bonus. If you come back or stop by again, thank you in advance.

Traditionally, I have gone for a zero-edit policy - write when the thought’s fresh and share it in its rawest form, closest to the source.

I will continue this always, or at least the draft will be available.

Today’s the day,

Jonah

Feb. 11 - 12:53V1