.___>

The tears are building up
Somebody installed a hydro dam behind my eyes
They built the reservoir
Flooded the fields
But forgot to install the turbines
The power's out.

I ask and wonder, how long will my backup generator last
And after that how many days or minutes will the emergency backup blue-green diesel-sucking generator last
Both smoke when I fire them up
They are loud
Obviously obnoxious…
But they keep me alive

Last night it happened again
It's been probably 2 months since the last time
I carry both shame and pride
I coped
I am awake again


The challenge is tomorrow feels impossible
And this afternoon feels like the moment before a shotgun sets off the runners
Who the fuck is running anyways
I feel like I am both running against, with and….
Well it's hard to know who's gonna win if 87 different versions of you are at the starting gate
The sad part is it's not clear if anyone is gonna show up to cheer me on
Or pick me up, and lead me when I want to fall face down and start digging a hole that I will have to climb out of

The question is, how deep will I dig
It's not the same for everyone
Most people hit their foundations
After, if they crack that with dynamite
They hit impenetrable bedrock

The issue is for me I can never be sure if my bedrock is going to be off on sabbatical.

I haven't had a holiday in about 9 years

You see, my mind travels with me
And most days we've fallen out of love

I know we are gonna stick it out, divorce is not legal in this state
Nor advisable
But I want to so bad most days

My smiles feel loaded with caution
My eyes scan the surroundings like a wild rabbit who's found itself amongst a hawk convention
My legs still work but daily they feel like they've been injected with a mixture of concrete, hot sauce, lactic acid and fire ants

My body is falling apart
It's always been the first sign
I forget though, because I can still do it better than most
That's why nobody sees it
Their pyramids are full and not only am I not a building block, I often barely make the cut to be the ramp,
The boards which feet and blocks alike are dragged across

In pursuit of the mission
In service of a higher power
If it's all true
If it's really for the greater good
Just remember, my turbines are temperamental at best
And there is an oil crisis
You see just yesterday, somebody borrowed my backup generator
I am still writing
I guess that means
I
still
have
Some
Power
.