Shedding Skin

As I walk today I can feel my skin on my left forearm

Hidden beneath my $12 light blue, thrifted Eddie Bauer polyester hoodie

It's cold but not for me

The air is fresh despite the centralized space in which I occupy

I have two bags on
Front and back
And I'm on the road
Of yet another adventure
Squamish bound

I usually have my knees exposed
But today I desire the bottoms of my pants to be zipped on
I love zippers and pockets
But don't like the way they feel
Particularly having things in my pockets
I'd much rather have weight in my back than heavy pockets

My eyes are covered with rose coloured rainbow Oakleys
80 bucks and I feel cool as shit
The lenses are well loved
And the ends of the arms are a little tight on the side of my head
I don't like that

I nearly lost my AirPods the other day
Left them in a yellow cab after a 3:15 departure from Gastown
Everyone said it was a great night
I felt like it was a good but not great time
I had a sense that the consistency of booze would, in the end, not serve me
And while I don't think it affected my creativity and do see the effects on my body 
I'm at least 10 pounds heavier 
than I need to be
My figure looks a touch past bulky
But thankfully that doesn't bother me as much as some

I've had issues with food in the past but the main challenge wasn't ever about body image
I'm grateful for that
Truly

Most days I look in the mirror and I like what I see
I see the reflections of my past always but I feel more comfortable expressing my style
This will be a compounding positive in my life but it's taken me years to get here
A few loving jabs in my first years of uni gave me the impression that I had to check my outfits with a second opinion
I still reach out to people to discuss questions but I more and more find that people go straight to advice without giving me the space to give context
Despite knowing that their intentions are loving
It fucking pisses me off
What do they know anyways
Don't they realize I've thought about this from 400 different angles
Don't they know my brain never shuts off
And my only mute button is music or good loving ___.

^conversations you sicko

Regardless, I'm working on not projecting this onto others
For a long time I've had the impression that people think I'm stupid
Despite never being told that as far as I can remember

My bags are feeling a bit heavy
Perhaps because they are resting in the best backpack in the world

I just full stopped
Owen Wilson rode by
I thought about calling out
But he looked peaceful on his shitty little folded up bike

I've thought for hundreds of hours about money
It's put me into spirals and brought me great joy
I've paid for trips
And sex once
That was a bad experience
But a good story
Perhaps another time

I still rely on a lot of validation and I've talked about that a lot
Risking breathing on a dead horse
I can only account this to missing the feeling of unconditional love
Accepting this fact is a daily task

I'm walking along the sea, harbour airplanes to my left
Just behind a steady stream of morning movers

I look at kids with a confidence that I can be a great dad one day
And that feels great
I feel as capable as I ever have
I have some ideas of why but importantly
I feel like I'm in sync with the world
As it changes I've found ways to adapt
And when I've mistimed my bloom
I've been successful in still finding a way to blossom

I think writing each and every day has helped me feel like I have the space to share my thoughts
It's also helped me reduce the need to double check and discuss my pain and sorrow with the semi-consistent support network I have
I wonder how they feel about this
Revived
Relieved
Or have they even realized
I can't be certain


I still wonder why people forgot to tell
Me
They like
Things
Perhaps they don't realize the extent of my hourly interval classes
Which range from

Jonah's the best (an introduction)
To Jonah sucks 101
To maybe we can make it 403
To well, fuck it 233

I guess combined they work as a helpful education
A PhD in me

My skin feels warm
It's a new moon
And life's been a highway lately
Not one in the badlands
But more like the one I drove so many times
Commuting between parents who never have seemed to be interested in love
More than once a month I am baffled by the fact I've never seen my parents together celebrating me
It's an odd form of love, that's for sure
But it's made me

I suppose that's where many of my more important scales were forged
And rather than allowing them to become parasitic
I'm working to make their carbon nanotubes into diamonds
I've certainly put enough pressure on myself
But maybe it was the wrong kind
Maybe that's why I'm not shining and sparking in the perfect light of the universe


I'm not sure if I want to stop writing, but as I said, an adventure is on the horizon.
It's 8:56, and I've had 6 hours of me time
I think it's time to put a 4.25 down for a coffee
Add it to my chocolate soy milk
And be on my way
May I wish you the happiness that lies in everything


Today's a sun-soaked, windless and sparklingly beautiful day


Pura vida,


Jonah


P.S.

I'm not doing a re-read on this one it felt perfect off my thumbs, and so forgive me for my spelling,
I suppose I didn't pay enough attention in my 27 plus years of study - I was too busy dreaming


Love hard.