AS I

As I

As I sit on my lavender pensive cloud
I find my feelings radiating from my left middle toe
And my right knee
My soleus is sore from the incline
And my heart beats more slowly
Like the bliss is a little more viscous than usual
My breath feels strong and yet somehow not refreshing
Like water from a tap that's not been allowed to cool
I feel exhausted.
My soul has been sensitive
So sensitive that a sentence sent me into a spiral just six seconds ago.
That sentence should not be spoken but my brain has no filter.
The more I widen my gaze, I realize my eyes had been staring down
navigating the soaking wet rocks and wildflowers
You see this mountain is steep.
I've been climbing shockingly fast for someone who just overcame his daily darkness
No more than 4 months ago
I found my private slideshow of questions
Starting and ending with "why";
Why even try
Why even eat
Why
Why
Why

My days now start with what
What will I create mostly and where will I go

I've known the path for a long time
The size of my feet hasn't changed
Much
As I continue to drive myself up, I realize I don't know how far the summit is
I climb with a sense of anxious satisfaction.
I enjoy the company of opportunity-fuelled optimism.

I always have a strong sense a storm is brewing in the not so distant distance
perhaps just behind that tree
For many, maybe, a storm seems miserable but manageable.
But my storm is annoyingly powerful
Why?
Because I've with great care, curated each cloud to cause maximal mental destruction.
Why?
It's perhaps because the only comfort I could find 14 years ago was when I was in a state of weakness

You see, I don't know what happens if you just feel happy
like all day
maybe even for 48hrs in a row
And trust your instinct to follow your heart
Beat for beat

Thankfully, this mountain spans many different climate zones
It has been a pretty walk.
The smell of perfume like I'm outside of Forever 21 tickles the tip of my nose
However I haven't come across any meadows or streams in a long while
My sleeps have been on brown dry dusty dirt
And my picnics on great quartz-lined boulders
I miss that person
But yet still feel like his luggage handler
It's hard to let go of a bag that served you well
Is one bag baggage?

It certainly feels like my bag is a bit too heavy to climb as relentlessly as I am

People wonder who I am going to become
When I'm going to change my mind.
The thing they can't see is the wind is at my back
And I've got my sails out
In doing so
I leave a greater risk of puncture
From flightless friendships
Or from the collision of my past and future selves
It's an incredible experience to feel foreign in your own brain and body
Many days it feels like I'm at US customs and I said I'm not interested in showing my passport

All day I've been distracted
I suppose the haze of the fermented grain doesn't help you see clearly amongst the sunshine
Maybe that's it
People aren't used to seeing the sun at night
You see, I can dance like a star.
Today I've started with getting comfortable feeling happy
And tomorrow we will see where the wind takes me.

It's dangerous to convince yourself to continue to climb
At some point you will be alone
But one day you'll look back on that mental photo of that mountain top
And you'll be able to say, "I saw the view and I still decided to walk down."
You see, because once you are on top
There's nowhere to move
No way to have a beginner's mind
Regardless of your path,
Peace must be found on the way.

The blinding sun builds me
The birds play with me
And my friends love me
You see,
I hope soon to become a wild daisy
Bring delicate, yet subtle, beauty to seekers
Each spring
and only missed by those too busy to see

It's not easy to be a flower in a concrete world
But beauty can be found even in the smallest crack of the most constricting concrete complexes.
You just need sun, water and a chance to grow roots
Trust me.


Today's absolutely the day.

Jonah